Spoiler of Life

 

I clearly remember the feeling while I heard the winner’s name on that stage.

 

The air around me became thinner, and the world was just as silent as the cemetery. Everything within my eyesight seemed blurred and lost color.

 

Those few minutes felt like years to me. It was like an awfully terrible drama in slow motion; the only thing I wanted to do was to escape from the cinema right away, but I could not since I was an actress in it.

 

Complex feelings twisted in my head made me crash.

 

While I was studying in China, my major was broadcasting. There is an extremely famous competition named Qi Yue. It is held every year for all broadcasting majors in China. Qi Yue is so famous that everyone wants to attend. It is also a good opportunity for universities to show their education level to the whole country, so every college only picks the most excellent students to attend.

 

During this time, all students in our broadcasting department are practicing reading poems around the campus. This is a war without smoke, all of us want that chance, but we all know—only one person can get that.

 

After the first month of all kinds of tests, I became one of the survivors for the final. While the first time that all of the candidates were sitting in the meeting room, I found there were only 8 students left. The professor divided us into 4 groups, and all of our groups were made of a boy and a girl.

 

As I write here, I can still feel the nerves and excitement, not only because this competition was an honor for anyone who has been able to get this far, but also for another reason: my partner was the boy whom I had a crush on for a whole year!

 

He was handsome and hardworking. I hoped I could have a chance to fight alongside with him. If I got this chance, this must be the most beautiful memory in my university life. What made me even happier was that, during the practice days, we had already built some tacit understanding between each other. Sometimes only with some eye contacts between us, we could both understand what emotion should be used for next recitation.

 

Actually though, the most important reason made me eager for that opportunity was because this competition might be the last university activity for me in China. I had already planned to finish my undergraduate study in America two months later.

 

This competition was the last chance for me, and I wanted it so much.

 

Of course, it would be silly if I only had a dream but did not try my best to make it be true.

 

I researched everything that associated with the poem, which I planned to use. I tried to find the poem’s timing background, the author’s living environment, and even the author’s family organization. I was trying to catch every detail to understand the author’s gist and emotion more thoroughly.

 

“Opportunity comes to those who are prepared” was my motivation during that period of time.

 

I got up at 5:30 every morning to go the playground to practice my vocalism with my partner. Our professional teacher had great hope in me. She even had already written my name on the top of the candidates’ list.

 

Everything seemed tell me that I was going to get that chance. The only thing left for me was the last selection from our grade-headman - who was a super strict woman!

 

Two days later, the final competition arrived.

 

As usual, I got up early and went to the playground to practice my vocalism. When 10 o’clock came, all candidates met our grade-headman at the drama classroom. Our group was the last one to preform. In retrospect, at the time on that stage, I employed all my skills to express the poem. I practiced so much that I could fluently repeat it without any glance at the poem. At the end of our performance, I heard all the other groups were clapping for us. Immersed in the applause, I imagined our group standing on the biggest stage to perform for our entire nation.

 

At that time, while I was still indulging in my daydream, our headman cleared her throat. Suddenly, everyone’s attention returned to her.

 

“Give me a second,” she said.

 

During those several minutes, all of the groups were extremely quiet. I could even hear her watch’s second hand ticking. Then, she putted the pen down, stood up, and raised her head to look at us. After making eye contact with every one of us, she called the winner’s name out.

 

This moment, which I had waited for hundreds of years, which I should have felt extremely excited and happy about—was not the same as I thought.

 

 The name she just said was not mine.

 

Seeing myself on that stage, I hope I could give her a hug. My strong personality did not let a hint of disappointment show on my face. I stood on the stage with a totally blank mind. I could not hear anything around me anymore. Only the winner’s name kept repeating in my ears. No one can understand how important this chance was to me. All that I could do was just stand there with a stiff smile hanging on my face.

 

I said congratulation to the winner then came back to my dorm fell asleep quickly.

 

When I opened my eyes, the sun had already raised to the top. I lied on my bed in a daze. I felt sad that I did not need to get up early and squeeze time from relaxing anymore. I also felt shocked that everything got back to normal so quick as if nothing had happened.

 

Time desperately moved forward and did not care about anything happened around.

 

After this experience, I realized that even if I tried my best, sometimes I just would not get what I want. There is no complete empathy in this world because everyone has different experiences, so people cannot request others’ entire understanding.

 

It is hard to ignore the result especially when I have tried so hard, but I also need to remember the spoiler of stories in life—everything will be okay at the end.

 

Give me a chance back to the stage on that day, I would stand next to my younger self, put my arm around her shaking shoulder, and let her know this is just a small episode in her life. Plenty of good stuffs are still on their way to her.

 

When she grow up as the age of mine, she will realize this day when she lost the opportunity on this stage, something also came in an invisible way.